Dum Medium Silentium

Everyone has the right to choose their way of life. It sounds personal, and it has to. I do believe we choose one to build and sharpen our purpose. Choosing one and moving forward without looking back requires courage and no regret. The journey might be long, tough, fun, messy, uncertain, and colorful. The misery is beyond our imagination. To be able to choose amongst other options and stories means a privilege. It could be given or earned. I need to burn the midnight oil to earn one. It's like labor. I could be ecstatic at the beginning, and to keep going I will deal with monotonous efforts. What makes me strong enough to never stop trying is discipline. This is the habit I need to adopt to be at peace, be mindful, be communicative in expressing what I desire and dislike, observe, set boundaries, and find myself again. Defining the purpose of life can be clear and blurry. It may change as we grow. It is up to me (and us) to let it be relevant to the current situation, to let it fa...

I am grieving today after experiencing uneasy moments. It happened yesterday. Being ignorance somehow could create other unanticipated issues. It is quite hard to keep myself sane. I feel like I have unaccomplished mission, to protect myself you name it.  I stepped out looking for fresh air in the hope to help me feeling better. I strolled around the neighborhood for 30 mins. Let's say I was doing a 30 mins exercise. I looked up and the skies are bright, it's a full moon night. As if an empress, her moonbeam felt so soft, tender, and gentle. I stumble upon it. I couldn't take my eyes over the empress. Moongazing made me a girl who couldn't be moved.  Indeed I need to detach from drowning into the depth of unenjoyment. I need to wake up, get up, and live the days fully as soon as possible. Excitement and sadness will always come and become the colors of our lives. It keeps spinning up and down accordingly. Just like a wheel, each turn will take us to places we never know...

8 Dhu'l-Hijjah, 2 days before 10 Dhu'l-Hijjah a.k.a. the Idul Adha day, was my birthday according to the Arab calendar. I didn't notice the date until my Mom rang and reminded me. It was a blessing to be able to celebrate my 31st birthday. Compared to the Gregorian calendar, the Arab calendar is 11 days shorter each year. I am 30 years old according to the Gregorian calendar, which means there are 330 days gap between my birthday in Gregorian and Arab Calendar.  Let me share what I did on my 31st birthday. So I had a fun date with my boyfriend. Early in the morning, he woke me up by phone. As usual, he recalled my first impression after waking up. I would buzz like a bee and he knew it was a complaint of why I had to wake up in the morning, especially on the weekend. He told me that he would pick me up for a date. He asked me to dress nicely but also casually.  With my eyes half closed, I showed him the green maxi dress I would wear. It was approved by him and the next duty...

I was having a brief and light conversation with my boyfriend about how to create more memorable stories, create sparks in our relationship, and make better plans for our future. What I deeply appreciate about him is that he never ceases making plans for us as if he knows exactly where we're going, the potential issues we are going to face, how to cope with hard conversations, and many more. Reassurance, emotional support, and acts of service speak louder than just words. In lieu of the conversation, we had opposite points of view on how we would build healthy relationships and bondings in marriage while each of us is trying our best to achieve our goals. In addition, I am aware of his endeavors to listen more, to be more transparent in making decisions, to welcome discussions, to work collaboratively, and to articulate what we feel and what we think about assertively. We want to find the best route that could accommodate our needs in particular. There was a funny moment when I sud...

Everyone basically has opportunities to learn something new every day. They learn to get a new skill or to let go of what doesn't belong to them. The cycle comes and goes. Learning something new is not only a shortcut to improve one's life, but also to make one's meaningful, and their presence could make the simplest form of change.  I was once asked about the skills I have other than teaching. I confidently responded to them that I have enough skills in writing, photography, and cooking. While doing my responsibilities in the class, I value the three areas will be beneficial for me in professionalism. I have unlimited resources to access them if one day, I could only choose one area to support me for a living.  As an individual who has to make a move every day, I see learning as a potential way that brings us to become more selfless. We can learn new things every day as long as we have the courage and willingness to be a beginner. A beginner carries honesty since they have...

J'ai trente ans cette année . Welcoming myself into the Club 30 holds a lot more significance. Celebrating a birthday doesn't mean cutting the cake and making a wish merely. Birthday reminds me of the journey I've been through. It also reminds me of growing older and becoming mature. One more thing, a birthday becomes important to celebrate my existence, that I'm alive, that I create and innovate, that I hug all my dreams, and that I let the Universe conspire in supporting me. I am grateful for what I have achieved and what I have not so far. I am always ready to let go of what is not meant to me and to receive the abundance sent to me.  Today I am celebrating my birthday in silence, not because I am alone. I decided to because I want to appreciate my energy and my inner peace. It's a humble birthday celebration by preparing healthy food and juice. People would ask about my parents, siblings, friends, colleagues, and boyfriend. They sent me heart-warming and sweet m...

:Vin Elk, Ars Magna, & Lady Loved* Lately, I have enjoyed writing a lot. Writing worked on me the way Dumbledore did while he was in Penseive, so he could experience his memories through other perspectives. He uses it to siphon the excess thoughts from his mind, pour them into the basin, and examine them at leisure. Writing has helped me to untangle my mind, examine what to deliver, communicate the messages verbally and non-verbally, and reflect on how this writing will evoke certain emotions or moods. Writing becomes the mirror that provides insight into who I am, what I desire, what I experience, what I value, and what I am not into. Writing becomes the language that deliberates my inner peace. On another level, writing could answer the quest that dwells in my mind.  I am glad to share what is significant for me right now. Being loved by the right person and people is heaven, and so is being respected, prioritized, supported, desired, and understood. The right person and peop...

2024 becomes a new chapter for almost everyone who chooses to stand tall amongst the sorrows, the tears, the loath, the love, the joy, the cheers, the sacrifices, the sincerity, the tranquility, and not forget to mention the commitment over losing and winning. Minutes become hours, and hours turn into days, weeks, and months, which means there will always be new experiences.  It's still in the second week of March, and people come and go. There are oodles things to learn to support the growth and minimize the fear. Every step is watched and every move is made. And I am still here, to be grateful for my Dad's latest health condition that shows improvement, and for the return of my beloved man to Jakarta from his country. Both of them were battling one of their most uneasy fights. Little did I know of their struggles for I was not in that arena yet. But as a woman who genuinely values their efforts, I learned to not give up, put myself together, and allow the sun to rise in my ey...

:K It's going to be five months soon, this 2nd March. To rekindle is to redefine what cheers our spirit up. We redefine what reunion is all about after in silence manifesting the abundance for ourselves, yup I meant for me and him. Our reunion is far from lovey-dovey. It's more of being available for each other anytime one needs support. People might think we are rekindling to pay off the lust and to create a greater flame in our hearts. The fact is that the flame stays the same, it shines not burns.  I am much obliged to the man who keeps the red roses spring in my heart, yet June hasn't come. Each time he reassured me that new days were coming. The contentment is everlasting, the joy is in the air. He asked, "Can you feel the difference? My heartbeat, the walls, and the words I was trying to tell you, all are rhyming together in tune. They speak melody. I sing for you. I have been waiting for you in my arms."  To the man who stares into my eyes in awe, we're...

 Dear my love, Kelvin, please accept my deep condolence on the loss of your beloved sister and beloved grandma this year.  We never been taught how to understand the loss of our loved ones: father, sister, and granny. The grief can be particularly intense. It is accepted as natural part of life with shock, confusion, and also sadness. Grieving becomes significant to welcome those feelings and to continue to embrace the time we had with our loved ones.  I genuinely appreciate your personal willingness to share what you feel. Let's go hand in hand with this wide range of emotions. This sad news can be the most uneasy challenge we face. It also can be the remembrance to honor them. I am thinking about you who are experiencing restlessness, tightness in the chest, and breathlessness.  We don't miss our father, our sister, and our granny. It's not a goodbye for they always stay here, with us in our hearts with love and peace. We will continue the bond we had with our love...

Barangkali kita berkarya: menulis, menggambar, memotret, bekerja, memasak, menjahit, bermain musik, untuk menyenangkan orang lain, dan lupa sebetulnya kita berkarya untuk diri sendiri, kelegaan sendiri, untuk dinikmati sendiri, sebab kita menikmati berkarya. Akan ada waktunya karya-karya itu juga ikut dinikmati oleh orang lain, dan apresiasinya bermacam-macam. Saat kuliah, saya mengikuti pameran foto di kampus bersama teman-teman kelas fotografi. Ketika dipajang, banyak sekali bentuk apresiasi yang saya temui, salah satunya dengan mencorat-coret hasil foto saya. Bohong kalau saya tidak marah. Dalam hati sepanjang hari, saya mengumpat, uring-uringan tidak karuan, bahkan ketika di kelas, saya menjadi tidak fokus belajar. Ingin sekali teriak, "Taik, asu, fuck, merde, kampang!" pada yang merusak karya saya. Saya putuskan untuk mengadu pada senior-senior, setidaknya untuk dibela bahwa karya saya sudah dirusak. Salah seorang senior saya merespon, "Begitulah hasil jepretanmu di...

When I fell ill I simply hate other people staring at me like I could see their vision, there's this judgment I was just a fraction of weak body to which depended on the remorse. As the time goes by, I couldn't care less, no more, what's in their mind, for their lack of empathy which is beyond my control. One day, when I was about 5 or 6 years old, I had asthma. I was laying on a couch while my mom gave her support to help me took some medicine. I posed a question, "Why I very often stayed home, forcing myself to have bed rest all day long with that sort of bizarre position, shovelled medicine and water to my mouth at the same time, savored the plain porridges, etc?" My mom tucked me into the bed. Then she said "you're chosen to be a strong girl." While got herself all set to be off to office, she added "I'll see you soon. You'll be alright. I'd prepared some pills on the table, take it within the next eight hours." She kissed m...

Belakangan saya sedang banyak menangis, berkat akumulasi dari banyak hal. Menangis ini tidak dapat saya terjemahkan dalam kategori sedih atau bahagia. Saya menangis karena saya manusia. Manusia adalah paket komplit dari kerumitan dalam berpikir kritis, menalar, berencana, berprasangka, berperasaan, dll. Saya pikir hal-hal yang menjadi elemen kerumitan adalah valid, minimal lewat kacamata pribadi. Bicara soal menangis, baru saja saya menceritakan apa saja yang terjadi dalam setahun terakhir dalam hidup saya pada seorang sahabat yang sangat baik. Responnya yang bijak, cukup menenangkan saya. Katanya, "Bila ingin menangis, menangis saja. Manusia secara biologis dibekali kelenjar air mata, maka gunakan dengan baik. Menangislah bila itu yang kamu butuhkan."  Kami berteman selama sepuluh tahun, sejak kami sama-sama di bangku kuliah. Dalam sepuluh tahun ini, banyak sekali yang kami alami. Hidup kami, tidak mudah, terutama menyangkut mental dan emosional. Masing-masing dari kami tak ...

The very simple me time I can get nowadays is having an eight solid hours of sleeping without the sleeping pills. I should also underline that before going to bed, I'll make sure I'm mentally well, without burdens stuck on my shoulders. I should always bathe my body with lukewarm waters to let shits away. Amen, have a nice dream you all!

Kapan terakhir kali kamu ingat untuk mengapresiasi pasanganmu untuk tidak berisik saat kamu sedang bekerja, alih-alih hanya menegurnya seperti seorang anak kecil yang nampak bodoh di hadapan seorang individu yang merasa punya kapasitas untuk mengatur dan membuat anak itu menuruti keinginanmu, tanpa diberi kesempatan untuk berkomunikasi secara sehat? 

Hari ini sama seperti kemarin, hujan deras tanpa henti sampai malam. Saya bertandang ke rumah Omchef, sambil menyiapkan persiapan untuk tes di Rabu dan Kamis siang. Lumayan degdegan, bukan karena persiapan saya kurang matang, melainkan terlalu banyak pikiran aneh yang berloncatan dari kepala.  Sambil menyusun rencana menu baru, saya dan Omchef terpikir untuk membuka gerai makanan baru secara online. Berbekal konsep PSBB dan harga yang masuk akal, kami mencoba mengukur kelebihan dan kekurangannya. Ternyata tidak gampang dan tidak sulit untuk menentukan konsep seperti apa menu yang akan kami pasarkan, lalu juga mengenai persiapan untuk membeli bahan-bahan mentah yang segar di pasar, serta mencocokkan jadwal antara saya dan Omchef. Sehingga setelah resmi dibuka nanti, hal-hal yang terjadi di luar dugaan dapat diminimalisir. Ah tadi saat menyiapkan hal-hal untuk tes besok, saya minta Omchef main keyboard. Tidak ada alasan khusus, tapi bukankah akan menjadi sesuatu yang romantis kalau d...

 Sebentar lagi PSBB, dan ini membikin saya makin sedih beberapa hari ini. Terbayang-bayang suasana hangat di rumah, meski kadang saya merasa tidak betah jika mesti berlama-lama di rumah. Saya juga rindu Ayah. Kalau weekend, pagi-pagi sekali setelah jalan santai, biasanya saya langsung ke ruang baca (well tidak ada yang spesial di ruang baca ini, hanya buku, lemari, meja dan kursi baca, radio, DVD player dan speaker, beserta satu matras berukuran single, maklum saya biasanya akan menghabiskan waktu dari siang sampai malam di sana).  Hal pertama yang saya lakukan adalah menyetel radio dan mendengarkan oldies mancanegara, alih-alih duduk santai dan membaca buku. Lalu dilanjutkan dengan sarapan, ngobrol ringan bersama keluarga saya, beres-beres, dan menyetel koleksi Josh Groban di DVD player.  Pada lagu berjudul My Confession dan Per Te, Ayah biasanya akan duduk di samping saya sambil membuka contekan lirik lagu, dan mengajak saya bernyanyi bersama. Kami bukan penyanyi yang b...

Siapa sih di antara kita yang akan tahan saat sedang cemas? Tapi, apa ya kalau terburu-buru lari dari kecemasan akan membuat masalah teratasi? Bagaimana dengan menikmatinya sejenak alih-alih hanya menggeluti cara cepat menjauhi kecemasan? Semakin bertambah usia, saya cenderung bereaksi cemas ketika hendak menghadapi suatu hal yang baru. Mengapa? Karena itu membuat saya tidak nyaman. Namun ada sisi lain yang barangkali belum terjamah mengenai kecemasan, salah satunya adalah dampak cemas terhadap diri saya. Cemas artinya saya tidak siap dengan perubahan, padahal perubahan tidak selalu berarti negatif. Cemas dapat menjadi indikator bahwa ada yang mesti saya upgrade dari dalam diri saya. Tidak hanya untuk menjawab tuntutan zaman, tapi juga untuk kebaikan diri sendiri, bahwasanya saya saya harus berkembang menjadi lebih baik lagi.  Lalu apa yang saya rasakan atau bagaimana reaksi saya ketika sedang cemas? Ada beberapa hal yang saya rasakan, paling tidak ini cukup membuat saya kewalahan....

Biasanya tak banyak yang ingin saya sampaikan. Meskipun sudah seharian ini mempunyai quality time dengan Om Chef, masih saja terasa kurang. Jika rindu adalah laut, maka ia meluap-luap, pasang, ombaknya tinggi hingga menghempas pesisir dan pantai. Ah, barangkali seperti biasa, saya terlalu mendramatis pengalaman pribadi ini. Jika sekarang banyak hal dicatat melalui gambar, maka saya bersikeras akan mengabadikan beberapa foto kami, atau cukup dirimu, (Ayang). Peluk

Well it took 2 hours long riding on a motorcycle, dari rumah ke antah berantah. Sekadar menikmati malam lebaran bersama pasangan. Dari dalam hati saya terus-menerus menyanyikan Fly Me To The Moon. Niatnya untuk mencari angin segar, sebab seharian ini kami puas beristirahat. Bagi sebagian orang, dapat dikatakan ini hari libur. Tidak bagi saya, semalam sekitar pukul 23.00, tugas baru berdatangan di kotak masuk email. Berhubung mata kelewat mengantuk, saya kerjakan di pagi hari setelah berdandan à la Idul Fitri, yakni serba putih. Kebetulan itu warna kesukaan saya. Ah anw, saya mau cerita. Satu minggu saya melipir ke official online store, berburu dress untuk dipakai pada saat lebaran. Ketika barang sampai, seperti biasa kebiasaan yang saya lakukan adalah mencuci dan menyetrikanya. Kesalahan terbesar saya adalah tidak mencoba memakai dress itu terlebih dahulu.  Berbekal percaya diri yang tinggi, langsung saja disimpan dalam lemari. Datanglah saat yang ditunggu. Pagi-pagi saat sa...