Dum Medium Silentium

My fiancé, one and only, he speaks with gentle voice. Only twice when he toned up his voice. First to remind me not to cry when I panicked. Second, when we argued about how much we supposed to give the tip to the taxi driver who drove us home. Tbh the driver wasn't that friendly to us. But I tried to appreciate him for driving carefully. My fiancé insisted to just give him 10K while I wanted to give more lol. But thats ok.  He talked and listened to me. It would be a different story when he discussed with his friends. He sounded like to release fire to them lol. I am really grateful for it. But you know, man is always a man. He prefer saying sorry than consulting. He added, it's a shortcut. To wait for my approval, it took forever.  Why?????????????? Why oh why?

It's been 10 years after my hardest fall. Life was messy before 2016, but it even was messier since 2016. I had anxiety. It led me to GERD and mild depression. I wept alone in almost every single night. People said time would heal. Instead, it was a ticking bomb. I didn't have a really good history speaking about relationship. I tend to freeze and avoid conflicts. I learned that conflicts were traumatizing. I would not hesitate to avoid conflicts by pleasing people, repressing my emotion, putting aside my feelings, and keeping quiet when things didn't go right. Back in 2023, it was indeed a rollercoaster year as well. That year made me realize of what I need was to relearn, to label what had happened in my journey. It wasn't easy. It was messy. My health was getting worse. It was the year of lessons. The year when I decided to heal and comprehend that conflicts came not to scare, but to resolve. Conflicts shouldn't make people argue, but reconcile, conflicts shouldn...

Thank you 2025, the year of gedebag-gedebug, of no-time to rest, of keep-manifesting, never-ending creating. It was the best year so far. The year to feel, to worry, to doubt, to be anxious, to weep, to giggle, to move, to dance, to cook, to write, to sleep and to wake up late, and so on. Hustle, hustle, hustle.  I'm proudly announcing that I officially launch my read aloud account. The love of books for kids finds it's way finally. With a pinch of courage, I posted 4 read-alouds already. It was in English and in Bahasa. Soon, it will be in French too.  My obsession of learning languages doesn't cease either. Back when I was a student both in high school and in university, I buckled myself into Japanese, German, Spanish, and Italian. Hence, I hope read aloud will open the door to relearn the foreign language. No to master, but at least to experience the book and enjoyment.  I lately read more than usual. This is how I take care of myself, not only by doing exercise, apply...

Let's do a simple math now for the year of 2025. 2 plus 0 plus 2 plus 5 equals 9. 9 as the biggest number in one digit number signifies the end of an era. What no longer suites us, will be let go. I am quite content for the journey. These 3 months have become the most pack months so far, just like last year. Handling things at the same time, the juggling, and 3 and 4 hours of peaceful sleep lol. Anyway, last year I also needed to cope with health issues and had a minor surgery. Resting means a lot and that's how I supposed to respect the time to breathe, to sit, to watch, and to live.  Let's just rest, not to stop, tu connais? Rest means to replenish the energy, let go what no longer serves me, to close the prior door and open the new one and I'm quite excited about it. C'est la vie, bon.  I wonder what would be my experience in the next year? Should I continue writing and publish an anthology, hunting pictures with my 13 yo camera, cooking and opening a small resta...

The exhaustion is real. It's not tired merely, but also fatigue. I still am grateful for what I've experienced and achieved so far. That doesn't mean to win, that simply means to taste what it feels like moving forward when I still figure out how to gain the strength, patience, and sanity at the same time. 24 hours a day will never be enough to just rest and get enough sleep when you dream that big. God will answer the prayers. At this point, He knows what's best for me. I walk the journey with Him as my backing. He hugs me when I'm weary. He grants me resilience. He guarantees protection. Over all, I'm quite content that I make a move even if it seems still far away to step on the finish line. Back then, my uncle gently reminded me that once I reached the finish line, it means I'm dead and could never create more. I do remember when I dreamed bigger to start a sensory class, making the proposal, maintaining health - work - life balance, etc, it was a roller...

Whenever I feel dumb, I shall remember that I am a teacher and a lecturer at the same time. It's bloody hard and I know I shall never step back. I walk this journey not by myself, not with myself, but with all of my willingness to climb up mountains. I want to see more from the world, I want to fly far as it is my free will. I want to create my opportunity. I am not going to do it by myself, I have Allah, family, fiance, friends, and these walking legs and working hands. Dear Mutiah, each time you feel that you are dying, remember that you have no time to die. The time you have is only for trying, never stopping. Fatigue and exhaustion are parts of life, so learn to rest. Be friend with black coffee since you know how it finally supports your brain work better. Learn to munch more fruits and veggies for a healthier digestive system. Remember, a well-regulated stress is actually required for this journey. Ain't no mountains so tiny. Allah gives you more than anything you have ev...