Dum Medium Silentium

I don't intend nor want to be rude with people. But if you insisted to show me what you got was better than mine, I deeply am sorry. You're wrong. I tried to keep myself humble and stayed away from conflict and chaos. This is a gentle reminder that to feel we're superior than others won't give us any good. It takes away our wisdom, peace, and integrity. Maybe life needs to humble you first before you talk big. The best validation comes from within. Positive self-worth is precious. That's all from me. 

Most of the times I was afraid of being misunderstood and it made me please people. Many times I doubt my self-worth and focus more on how people will judge me. That was the biggest mistakes I made. This body supposed to be the first one I should treat well with love, care, and respect. Sometimes I gave privilege to people to destroy my inner peace and it made me question my own femininity. To reset, it requires courage and honesty. It's ok to let people go in order to find myself again. I am happy and proud to choose myself amongst the insanity around me. I choose myself to heal. I choose myself to sip the sweetness of being grateful to have a great, resilient, and courage mind, body, and spirit. I will not keep rats and snakes close and it requires commitment to set boundaries. I forgive not to reconcile, but to keep my inner sanity and peace altogether. 

It's an achievement when I'm being able to keep myself sane when the workload is unceasing. It's just a simple wish in this year, that I make an improvement in my gym session. Lunges is one of most challenging thing to do, but it was accepted. I planned to do more but let the commitment answers it. This is going to be Ramadhan soon and I hope I will cope with it well. I comprehend it's gonna be draining, a bit. I'm doing my best too to eat fruits even when I barely enjoy the texture. Let's be sane and burn more. Bismillah 

I found peace when I hit the hay with Bali herbal oil, Kutus-kutus, that could treat aches, fatigue, stiffness, cold, and many more. It scented like Grandma, and it made me reminiscing beautiful moments I had with her.  I found peace when I drank Wedang Jahe. It had to be sipped lukewarm. I would sip it little by little to enjoy the spices that kept my body relaxed. I would normally prepare 2L of wedang jahe and let my friends drank one as well.  I found peace when I traveled or became an outdoorsy by putting on my Sketchers. It has obsolete design but fluffy insoles. Some would say it's outdated and would be challenging to be mixed and matched with our daily outfit. But who cares? Even the doctors strongly recommended these shoes to everyone.  Last one, I found peace when I was able to substitute sambal (chili paste) to wasabi. It had a unique taste and sensation once I ate it. Now I'm able to answer this question. "Am I gonna survive this year without sambal?" Then,...

My fiancé, one and only, he speaks with gentle voice. Only twice when he toned up his voice. First to remind me not to cry when I panicked. Second, when we argued about how much we supposed to give the tip to the taxi driver who drove us home. Tbh the driver wasn't that friendly to us. But I tried to appreciate him for driving carefully. My fiancé insisted to just give him 10K while I wanted to give more lol. But thats ok.  He talked and listened to me. It would be a different story when he discussed with his friends. He sounded like to release fire to them lol. I am really grateful for it. But you know, man is always a man. He prefer saying sorry than consulting. He added, it's a shortcut. To wait for my approval, it took forever.  Why?????????????? Why oh why?

It's been 10 years after my hardest fall. Life was messy before 2016, but it even was messier since 2016. I had anxiety. It led me to GERD and mild depression. I wept alone in almost every single night. People said time would heal. Instead, it was a ticking bomb. I didn't have a really good history speaking about relationship. I tend to freeze and avoid conflicts. I learned that conflicts were traumatizing. I would not hesitate to avoid conflicts by pleasing people, repressing my emotion, putting aside my feelings, and keeping quiet when things didn't go right. Back in 2023, it was indeed a rollercoaster year as well. That year made me realize of what I need was to relearn, to label what had happened in my journey. It wasn't easy. It was messy. My health was getting worse. It was the year of lessons. The year when I decided to heal and comprehend that conflicts came not to scare, but to resolve. Conflicts shouldn't make people argue, but reconcile, conflicts shouldn...