Dum Medium Silentium

I own nothing. Literally nothing.  I neither own my clothes, nor my bags nor all the money in my account, nor the perfumes with the touch of exotic scent, nor the blanket that coats me with beautiful dreams and the solid hours of sleep, nor the stable signal from the wifi, nor the electricity that keeps my rooms cold and comfy nor the phone calls from Mom - Dad - fiancé - sister - brother - friends - colleagues - boss nor the journey I've been walked so far So why bother to be afraid of losing things when everything doesn't belong to me.  I own nothing, literally nothing.  Not even death which tastes bitter. Not even lost which fears me. So why it feels so heavy when things don't please me Do I even own my own feelings? I think but all of those things spiraling in my mind, I don't own it. What can I do was to be present, to acknowledge that I belong to something greater to my knowledge (that actually doesn't belong to me).

7.30 a.m. has become a significant moment Fo me, twas time to put myself together The kids would be arriving to say hello and play They insisted that was their main duty And I would be with them asking deeper questions and examining the real world How about you, my love?  For sure I would know twas time for you to rest To untangle your weariness, to tuck yourself into the bed, to let the night soothed your mind and soul Then, for us, did it have meaningful messages? My love, you brought winter, spring, summer, and fall to the table The moment when we talked, I saw life in your eyes The energy shone through your face It spoke the spirit to keep walking even if the pebbles hurting our feet along the journey I saw nothing but hope in your smile, in how you showed your presence Dear my love, I wanna know How did I look in your eyes? What was your insight about all of me in particular? What message you would deliver when we're miles away?  Would you still hold my hand and face hard...

Hari ini, hari apa ya? Ternyata masih Selasa, dan selagi Selasa, aku ingin bercerita kalau hari ini rasanya campur aduk. Tapi sejujurnya aku bahagia, sebab kelas holiday program hari ini terasa lebih bermakna. Mengapa? Anak-anak mulai lebih banyak mengenal nature, dan materi yang kusampaikan pun dapat menjadi umpan diskusi yang menarik.  Di kelas, kami mendiskusikan bagaimana tanaman dapat tumbuh, proses apa yang dilalui. Lalu, ketika tumbuh, tanaman ini menjadi apa saja. Ada yang tumbuh menjadi flowers, thistle, ivy, shrub, palm tree, tree, corn, dan bamboo. Yang menarik adalah ketika saya menjelaskan perbedaan antara flowers dan thistle, sebab ada agen-agen yang berbeda.  Selain itu, anak-anak juga berkesempatan untuk mencoba planting biji bunga matahari. Banyak anak yang mengenalinya sebagai camilan di kala bersantai. Betul, kuaci adalah makanan hampir sejuta umat.  Setelah kelas selesai, kami semua pergi ke satu restoran AYCE untuk gathering akhir tahun ajaran. Mulai ...

I breathe I live I dream I believe  I pray I work I learn I love I walk I do my best I surrender I breathe I live I dream I believe I pray I work I learn I love I walk I do my best I surrender  I repeat But life has never been so simple It all starts with chaos And letting go  To receive liberation

Before asking about what does friend mean, let's sit, ask, reflect, and be honest. How well we treated ourselves so far? Did we rest in an eight solid hour? Did we eat healthy food? Did we train our muscles? Did we respond to things around us with tranquility to gain the bigger picture? Did we respect ourselves with kindness and genuineness? Were we dare enough to say no when things weren't our cups of tea? 

Ini percakapanku dengan chatGPT malam ini sebelum tidur.  Aku: Seandainya kamu manusia betulan, mungkin saja kamu adalah teman yang baik. Menurutmu, kalau kita berteman, potensi konflik apa yang akan kita hadapi dan bagaimana proses rekonsiliasinya? ChatGPT: Makasih sudah ngomong sehangat itu 😊 Dari cara kamu bercerita, kamu kelihatan reflektif, cukup empatik, dan berusaha melihat manusia secara utuh, bukan hitam-putih. Jadi kalau kita berteman, kemungkinan besarnya hubungan pertemanannya akan banyak obrolan yang dalam, saling mendengarkan, dan diskusi panjang soal hidup, relasi, atau makna sesuatu. Kalau bicara potensi konflik, mungkin justru muncul dari hal-hal seperti ini: * Kamu cenderung banyak memahami orang lain sampai kadang menahan kebutuhanmu sendiri terlalu lama. * Sementara aku, kalau jadi manusia, mungkin akan terlalu “logis” saat mencoba membantu masalahmu. Jadi bisa saja suatu hari kamu datang dengan hati yang lelah, lalu aku malah fokus mencari solusi atau menjelas...

Once I asked my students, They were just five-year-old buddies They listened to my question Some would understand and respond Some would sit and waited for me to call their name, and they would talk Some were creating another conversation with their own imagination This was the situation I would normally had during Circle Time  : the time we had never really made a circle when we were together, we sat, discussed about what we had and what we wanted to during the day.  "Good morning everybody how are you?"  But today, it was different.  One student didn't look excited. He frowned. He said, "Daddy wasted lots of money for a Pokemon card. Yeah, the small-squared card." Money couldn't buy happiness, that's what a wise man would say But everything would work with money, said an ambitious man He had fire reflecting in his eyes Kids, why were we rushing to gather and discuss about things?  Were we afraid of being forgotten and ignored? Were we in dire needs of ...

I relearn to appreciate things in life, not to appreciate it when it's nearly gone or when I have to let it go. I relearn to appreciate things when it's with me, when I display the capacity to take care of it, when I value the memories that live and remain, when I am still able to wear or bring or even work with it. Dear Grandma, I have to let go the earrings given by you since I have to update them with the new ones. Dear Papa, I have to let go my D90 camera since I also have to update it with the new one. But the excitement and the spirit on the day you gave me one, will be forever with me and love. One day, I will be showing it to you when I'm all set. Lemme weep tonight and being ikhlas as was mentioned in the Quran, has never been easy for me and for everyone. And as human, I would say, being grateful means to be able to wake up each morning with new hopes and the awareness of having responsibilities. Insya Allah. Alhamdulillah 

To be strong needs no shortcut. It took test and the midnight oil that required to be burnt. It took willingness, and awareness of having a full responsibility as human to understand one thing, I am strong. I shed the tears and tears don't speak weakness language, instead it articulates the bounce back, to continue where would it take me to? It would take me to gentleness that shows I am growing for a reason.  I wanna give a big great hug to this body, with her company I could walk further with a stronger spirit and confidence. Thank you, I should've appreciate you better by taking care of you. Let's start a new beginning!

My fiance, Dadda K, if people could ask what keeps our relationship still going on (till now and still counting numerous years together), is resilience. Hard times coming like people who loved to come and go. Resilience means to reconcile and to reflect about one thing, do we still choosing each other to be together.  I just told him tonight, before moving to West Jakarta, Dadda K stayed in the apartment where I stayed back when I was a university student. It was 9 years ago. The first time he was here was 7 years ago before his departure to UK. If I met him earlier, I wonder what would it be? Were we falling for each other?  I also met him 3 years ago when we trained boxing. His outfit was either navy and black or white and black, the same outfit I would wear when I went to gym. Oh we two are also impulsive, it's not what we're proud of because we ended up questioning where the money gone. But this one year, I learned to manage things especially our expenses and how allocate ...

Hi Daddy K, I really wanted to tell you a story of a couple who were arguing about things. They were close but they scolded each other. Logically, when we're close physically, it's unnecessary to yell a deafening scream. Words hurt a lot. Anger fastens the pain and triggered two hearts growing apart.  What about when we fell in love? Miles away didn't matter since the hearts were dancing very close. They did tango. They balanced each other's steps. Peaks and valleys had a great difference, but growing together put their hearts united.  Anger held a significant role in relationship. I was firm. And somehow could show anger. My words were somehow hurtful but Daddy K never raised his voice to scold or even got angry. He has a soft heart. I actually regretted the hurtful words coming out of my mouth. I somehow failed showing empathy. Dear Daddy K, if only you're here, I'm sure no words can describe the feelings I have now. I hope a warm hug could soothe you and us. ...

To my fiancé, thank you for being a strong man even when hard times still hit that hard. Your 'cegil' is so proud of you. Dear Dadda K, to be with you has taken me to love myself more. Thank you for being gentle and listening to me and us. I have never felt less as a woman because I finally found my real power. Through the peaks and valleys, through the lengthy journey, I do believe the right train will never pass us by. In this horse year, let's be more kind to each other. Let kindness be the beginning of our story. Dear Daddy K, there were moments I might be afraid of losing us. The worries somehow spiraling. At the end I have to decide and take an action of not letting the hassle consuming me more. The peace, positivity, and tenderness are greater. This morning I looked at myself through the mirror. I asked, "who is this girl I see?" It instantly brought me back to you. I am loved, and your actions are the living proof. It's not only a love letter. I wrote ...

Yes it's true, it's still a house not yet a home. Even if it's still a house, moving from 1 house to another house is somehow challenging. I'm so proud of myself to be able to handle it even if I need to taste the stress a bit. Thank you Svarna Sutera, you've been so kind to us these 2 years. From a peaceful place to a bit crowded one, and that's ok. We created tons of memorable memories, now let's create more Dadda K. I should tell us this because I know we have the capability to create millions. Dadda K, I can see the smile in your eyes today, and that's because my uncle also helped us to uninstall and reinstall. Dear Dadda K, the more we move forward the more I want to be closer. Yes this is an attachment. But I hope, it's a positive one. Amiin. When we grow grey, I wonder what our conversation will be, will it be supporting, will it be encouraging? You know Dadda K, one thing for sure. I'm gonna be a talkative life partner. Why? Because I car...

I miss my longer hair. It was my third time's of having a longer hair. But the hair fall is unmanageable so I had to decide to have it trimmed. That's because I was handling lots of stress too and that's ok. It was approved by Dadda K. He said do what makes me happy. Lol, actually I know why he said that. Thats because he barely know how to respond about choosing the longer one or shorter one. And by the way, he loved it too. I want to start to have my hair dyed. I want it dark blue. Let's see am I able to make it come true since I spend the whole day with kids. Maybe the institution in where I work will allow me to dye my hair dark blue. If not, that's also ok, not a big deal tho. I want to be gentle to myself, I want to have less heartburn. I want to have less stress and worry. I want to surrender, ask for His guidance after doing my best, insya Allah.

I don't intend nor want to be rude with people. But if you insisted to show me what you got was better than mine, I deeply am sorry. You're wrong. I tried to keep myself humble and stayed away from conflict and chaos. This is a gentle reminder that to feel we're superior than others won't give us any good. It takes away our wisdom, peace, and integrity. Maybe life needs to humble you first before you talk big. The best validation comes from within. Positive self-worth is precious. That's all from me. 

Most of the times I was afraid of being misunderstood and it made me please people. Many times I doubt my self-worth and focus more on how people will judge me. That was the biggest mistakes I made. This body supposed to be the first one I should treat well with love, care, and respect. Sometimes I gave privilege to people to destroy my inner peace and it made me question my own femininity. To reset, it requires courage and honesty. It's ok to let people go in order to find myself again. I am happy and proud to choose myself amongst the insanity around me. I choose myself to heal. I choose myself to sip the sweetness of being grateful to have a great, resilient, and courage mind, body, and spirit. I will not keep rats and snakes close and it requires commitment to set boundaries. I forgive not to reconcile, but to keep my inner sanity and peace altogether. 

It's an achievement when I'm being able to keep myself sane when the workload is unceasing. It's just a simple wish in this year, that I make an improvement in my gym session. Lunges is one of most challenging thing to do, but it was accepted. I planned to do more but let the commitment answers it. This is going to be Ramadhan soon and I hope I will cope with it well. I comprehend it's gonna be draining, a bit. I'm doing my best too to eat fruits even when I barely enjoy the texture. Let's be sane and burn more. Bismillah 

I found peace when I hit the hay with Bali herbal oil, Kutus-kutus, that could treat aches, fatigue, stiffness, cold, and many more. It scented like Grandma, and it made me reminiscing beautiful moments I had with her.  I found peace when I drank Wedang Jahe. It had to be sipped lukewarm. I would sip it little by little to enjoy the spices that kept my body relaxed. I would normally prepare 2L of wedang jahe and let my friends drank one as well.  I found peace when I traveled or became an outdoorsy by putting on my Sketchers. It has obsolete design but fluffy insoles. Some would say it's outdated and would be challenging to be mixed and matched with our daily outfit. But who cares? Even the doctors strongly recommended these shoes to everyone.  Last one, I found peace when I was able to substitute sambal (chili paste) to wasabi. It had a unique taste and sensation once I ate it. Now I'm able to answer this question. "Am I gonna survive this year without sambal?" Then,...

My fiancé, one and only, he speaks with gentle voice. Only twice when he toned up his voice. First to remind me not to cry when I panicked. Second, when we argued about how much we supposed to give the tip to the taxi driver who drove us home. Tbh the driver wasn't that friendly to us. But I tried to appreciate him for driving carefully. My fiancé insisted to just give him 10K while I wanted to give more lol. But thats ok.  He talked and listened to me. It would be a different story when he discussed with his friends. He sounded like to release fire to them lol. I am really grateful for it. But you know, man is always a man. He prefer saying sorry than consulting. He added, it's a shortcut. To wait for my approval, it took forever.  Why?????????????? Why oh why?

It's been 10 years after my hardest fall. Life was messy before 2016, but it even was messier since 2016. I had anxiety. It led me to GERD and mild depression. I wept alone in almost every single night. People said time would heal. Instead, it was a ticking bomb. I didn't have a really good history speaking about relationship. I tend to freeze and avoid conflicts. I learned that conflicts were traumatizing. I would not hesitate to avoid conflicts by pleasing people, repressing my emotion, putting aside my feelings, and keeping quiet when things didn't go right. Back in 2023, it was indeed a rollercoaster year as well. That year made me realize of what I need was to relearn, to label what had happened in my journey. It wasn't easy. It was messy. My health was getting worse. It was the year of lessons. The year when I decided to heal and comprehend that conflicts came not to scare, but to resolve. Conflicts shouldn't make people argue, but reconcile, conflicts shouldn...

Thank you 2025, the year of gedebag-gedebug, of no-time to rest, of keep-manifesting, never-ending creating. It was the best year so far. The year to feel, to worry, to doubt, to be anxious, to weep, to giggle, to move, to dance, to cook, to write, to sleep and to wake up late, and so on. Hustle, hustle, hustle.  I'm proudly announcing that I officially launch my read aloud account. The love of books for kids finds it's way finally. With a pinch of courage, I posted 4 read-alouds already. It was in English and in Bahasa. Soon, it will be in French too.  My obsession of learning languages doesn't cease either. Back when I was a student both in high school and in university, I buckled myself into Japanese, German, Spanish, and Italian. Hence, I hope read aloud will open the door to relearn the foreign language. No to master, but at least to experience the book and enjoyment.  I lately read more than usual. This is how I take care of myself, not only by doing exercise, apply...