Dum Medium Silentium

I was content today to learn to let go of things that shrank me, my shoulders have no more burdens, not even the legs who tried it's best to cardio on a treadmill with 15 incline and 3.8 speed. I am honored to have this privilege and gain more courage to choose to let go and accept things at the same time.  Crying for some people is the weak but may we always remember that strength often comes with tears. Even to lament means to recall how blessed we are to be able to taste hardships and ease too.  At the gym, I met my coach and I got two new friends. They were actually still high school students who trained well. We chit-chatted about why is the gym building always renovated. Yes it looks cool but we just wonder. My new friends look young, smart, and strong and I wonder what was I look like back then when I was just a high school girl. What I remember about me at that time was that I planned numerous things. I'm a bit ambitious but I never showed this character to other peopl...

Let's talk about today We moved on from yesterday  And the knowledge stays Living today is not for tomorrow It's for living  And it's for today Today we ain't hassle-free We were wondering a lot between passersby and stars who has greater amount  who blinks the most and who dares to stay up late when the night's falling If today was a hope So it carried energy that could make us shine or burn instead If today were a city It might be a district with the sun that bleed orange The sky that released the intermittent breeze The crowds that videotaped our words Things were moving, never stopped, and had no idea about resting The day was unfold Each footsteps making rhyme And the phonecalls making plans about what to feel to be a child who loved their parents and never let them abandoned from cries, laughters, fears, surprises, and disgusts about the traffic watched us from their very eyes, they stopped and slept like a snow-covered road about the right to pay our every de...

It was so yesterday that the Coach at the gym inquired me about my digestive system, since I quite often skipped some trainings, unless the cardio one. I had GERD and it came without telling me a signal it was about to come to say hello to me. I promised myself that in one term, means 3 months, I won't taste GERD at all especially in this term, I tried to manage my diet to be better. My objective is not to lose weight, but to battle and heal from GERD gradually.  I was amazed by the result since I followed my Coach's advice in maintaining what I have to eat with less rice and started to consume more of food with complex carbohydrates, such as cassava. And not to forget mentioning the stress regulation is as significant as maintaining my physical health...........until last afternoon to evening. I had a rendezvous with a friend in a restaurant. I ordered spicy food and it's too hot, steamed hazelnut milk tea, and several desserts containing chocolate. A perfect combo. Why? I...

Lost and found, that's what human is after all. Sometime we got lost, sometime we found ourselves not really in a hopeless place. Sometime we need to get lost first in order to find ourselves. Being lost means to empty our glass and to be all set to relearn. Being found means a commitment to be awaken, to be aware of our progress. Lost and found is a yin and a yang. Not about right or wrong, black and white, angel and evil, but about harmony, a perfect blend of life, that to make one complete, our Mother Earth needs sun for morning and day. Then, she will need moon for evening and night. 

If a man worried about something, that's natural and pretty ok. If a man panicked and he turned up their voice a bit, then they really need to talk to us (their woman) and set our listening ears.  "Dear Daddy K, to be an ambitious man to make the dreams come true will cost you an arm and a leg. There is no time to die, to freeze and to sink into the deep ocean. If it's yours, it will be yours. If it's not yours, then pray harder as a spoiled boy seeking help to his parents until it becomes their concern and they decide to support you." Apart from being human after all, we must do our best. Daddy K told me, now he knows how it feels like to be a little boy in grade 4, and he will start to overthink and overanalyze tons of objects plus the pov over it. I also said, "I wish I could hug you since panicking is actually contagious." I just want to transfer back his reaction over the sudden news. But distant humbles us. That's absolutely ok since we at the ...

This past ten days, I was feeling low, having lack of sleep, mood swings, and external stressors. I was also doing diet that affects my health condition. It got worse since I had cramps during my first and second day of period. I was literally dying, I needed the ambulance, and doctor and my Mom and my Daddy K.  I saw doctor to get medical treatment for the cough, flu, and frequent sudden nose bleed. I requested to get antibiotics if it's possible, but the doctor said I didn't really need it. After 5 days treating myself well but still had tons of work to do, my health condition didn't improve that significant. Anyways, I had parents-teachers meeting as well for several hours so I had to postpone my lunch time 3 hours. I was shaking like a leaf.  I went home after finishing my duty. My sister rang me and that's how I know about this powerful drink and we call it 'Jamu'. It's quite simple to prepare one. I am content to be able to experience the benefit of dr...

Hi Daddy It's been the second year we celebrate your special day. Here’s to another trip around the sun. Your existence grants all of my wishes. Im grateful the universe brought us together. To know you is to love you, to be friend with you, to trust you, to grow together with you. Although my calendar tells me that today I have to tell you how much I love you, I hope you know I love you every day of the year. Happiest birthday, Daddy. May you be blessed, with joy and happiness, truly blessed. It's a year of growth and new delight. May your birthday shine, ever so bright!  You are loved. I love you more than the bad days ahead of us, more than any hard conversations we will have, more than the inch and miles between us, more than the smiles - tears - and each memorable moments we have before we close our eyes at night. Let this message be read and remembered by people who celebrate life, love, commitment, 'afiyah, mutual understanding, and perseverance. Insya Allah

Some might value insecurity was unkind to them, some might value insecurity was a blessing. I can't tell you which part of group I'm in. For me it is a double-sided coin. It feels unkind when I was unsure about my own self-worth. I attempted to figure out my own quality in lieu of the confidence crisis. I overanalyzed things that is actually good for my own progress. I somehow was afraid of facing the rapid changes, the inflexibility, being controlled, being rejected, being misunderstood, and many more. That's how I love working all alone rather than as a team, it's draining.  It wasn't on a sunny day, in the weekend, nor in peace when I found out the feeling of being uncertain could lead me to a person with a mental victim who couldn't get up and do her best for her very own life. This is a process of living I should say, when one is observing her journey, analyzing her milestone, doubting her believe, thinking and reflecting about the purpose of each scenario....

I was stunned by my own journey these past 15 years and how I became more aware of whom I built my interactions with. This journey served me the ups and downs. This journey, took me to a whimsical experience of meeting new people, collaborating with new ideas, arguing with different point of view, doing the best in achieving 'il sueno imposible', and letting go what doesn't belong the chapter. In this journey, people showed their colors and I learned to digest it gradually. It was uneasy, it triggered a lot of things from me deep down inside, encouraged me to change and to be humble.  In this journey, I met great people that somehow made me questioned and doubted myself a lot. And I thank Allah it became my inspiration to be a better human day by day. I doubted myself, I searched for the answer and it was found within myself. Somehow I got lost but I believe I will not waste my time to just wander nor to never come back.  One person looked great at least to me, I compared t...

It was a small talk between me and Daddy K about the journey we've been through so far, about the ups and downs, about growing and progressing, about welcoming the updated ones and letting go the obsolescence, about living that reminds us also about death, about grieving, lamenting, accepting, forgiving, and doing our best too. It was beyond my imagination how us, the two heads with different value and background could decide to choose to stay and to stick to commitment. Just like other normal human, there were times we two questioned about making a right decision amidst the unceasing challenges. Each day, we make a move, we take a step, we breathe, and we pray so Allah will grant us strength to keep being strong, and to allow us to recognize this is the right one through His guidance and blessings.  Each time we open up our eyes, waking up from dreams and facing reality, life has become a special story. This is the story of how me and him deal with a single step each day until we ...

Hi Mutia. Happiest birthday my dearest self, and may God shower you love, courage, and happiness, success and win, peace, and integrity. Dear Mutia, this birthday becomes special since I was no longer celebrating this memorable moment by myself. I have friends who are ready to dance with me, Daddy K who becomes my first line guardian, my sister and brother who loves me, my parents who become my pillar, my students who make my life colorful and wonderful, and many more.  This is what my Daddy K tried to remind me of. He said "It's another time for you to evolve 365 days and I wish you have a pleasant memories more than the previous, I hope in this new turn our love shall continue to grow and we shall experience love, peace and, understanding...I wish you luck and all the good things u can ever imagine...HBD  to my dearest 🥂 ❣️and always know when you're sad that's truly ok, you'll be happy again very soon, and if you're knackered, rest and try one more time....

The night has fall, curled around, and settled In silence and peace, the moon flickered courageously and stars blinked naughty It was a rectangled room with a hanging rattan bulb where the cold took hold A wave of joyful energy gathered and helped me chanted, "this day came, we're filled with love and pleasure." We have shared sunrises and sunsets Conquering all fears, expressing the passage of time, enduring love, and tumbling in joy. I dove beneath the quilt Drifted into dreams  "Before two, I was one celebrating the innocence, the unsolved questions about why I was one, not two.  I was a foreigner, wandered with a self-made map In the North I would see the frosting winter, magical skies with ribbons of light In the East, I would see new days filled with promise, flashing out warm greetings In the South, days stretch long, bread freshly baked, and conversations about clumsy feet strolling through the field never ends In the West, trees trembled the rustling leaves....

Happy 2nd anniversary, Daddy K. May we grow in love, in patience, in harmony, in friendship, in genuineness, in honesty, and in a spirit to win and never lose hope. May becomes a significant month for both of us, it is our anniversary, my birthday, and your birthday as well. Some people may say May is the longest month amongst the other months. I could say yes and no at the same time. Yes that it will last in 31 days, and no since we celebrate 3 events.  This week we had a staycation. We didn't plan it, instead we decided to have one spontaneously. We were looking for a new environment to talk from heart to heart. It's been ages we haven't done it. We got a unique room, only 27sqm with high ceiling. The first floor is for the bathroom, kitchen, and family room while the second floor is where we found the bedroom. This room gave us a homey impression. We both hope that later, we will have a house we call home for our family soon. We will design the master bedroom that will b...

Dear Daddy K, I am touched by the way you sent me a gentle reminder of how significant patience is in our lives. I vividly remember we both relearned about to love and being loved, to have and maintain our patience while building up trust while we both had issues in trusting people, to articulate our vulnerability, to stick to our commitment and goals, and to water the clear intentions, etc. This is how I love us. Is it perfect? Of course not, but it won't stop us from growing in love and in patience. 

He's not perfect But he is mine My sugar daddy As sweet as ginger candy The hint of the spice warms my belly He forgot about things But he never been late to pick me up And take me to places only we knew He said he never gets angry to me But the next one week Will tell me what I did, didn't sit well with him When he smiled His dimple twinkled When he grumped  His dimple trembled Once I asked him will he lend me his dimple He said my child will have ones And I responded in an awe His smile lighted up the whole room And the affection he shared Showered the roses inside me It grows tall beautifully in love If ever he wonders what color would I be I'd say I'd be pink, red, maroon, salmon, peach, coral, fuschia  I am vibrant and spring all the time So he's perfect for coming into my life And I choose him everyday to be with

When I am angry I look myself through the mirror  I stare at the surface A shadow emerges It's a girl who looks upset She holds her tears And experiences the shortness of breath She wonders above her head The sun rises from the east And sets from the west The clouds collide And gravity seems weak beneath her feet She's floating in her sadness too Some suggest her to react But her heart says stop, sit, and reflect Some suggest her to create more drama But she has to choose to not channel her energy for something wasted C'est pas magnifique, j'y comprend pas The eyes were desert Now it's a stream  She has only Universe to listen to her to parent a girl inside, and to wash away all her doubts so she will be able to trust herself again She's afraid of being lost and never come back But Universe conspire to approach, to never let her go nor sink alone There are times sun doesn't look shining And the skies are gloomy during the rainy days There are times she wants...

It's time to say goodbye to Ramadhan and tomorrow is going to be Lebaran day. Each year, a one-month-fasting becomes a lifestyle to reset our body after having eleven months to work hard, burn the midnight oil chasing the balance of work, life, and prayer I should add. The Ramadhan this year had a special meaning to me for I dealt with myriad of responsibilities, to be the person in charge for 3 events in my office in one week, participating in an exhibition in education, preparing school portfolio, doing lots of side hustle until I had a belated grieving when one of my uncles passed away, preparing the experiments for PBL Learning at school about volcanoes (and preparation shall never betray us), the holiday program for the sensory class and we attempted to dig more of experiments with kids, preparing and editing a school book, completing my Montessori final exam, preparing the launch of our home-made soap bar for our first bazaar, and many more. I thank Allah for His mercy and gu...

It's just 3 days before my final exam, yes my heart beats quicker and louder. My palms swear each time I reviewed all the lessons. I race with time and all other distractions especially the fatigue. But for me, the Ramadhan this year becomes so special. Fasting will never cease me from doing what is good for me and for people whom I love. Fasting never reduce the energy, it boosts mine instead. There were moments I slightly felt sad since normally when facing exams, my parents or Grandmas were around, just to cheer me up. This time, I will do it by myself while regulating lots of things altogether. Like my boyfriend said, it's just temporal. All is well, and this too shall pass. This isn't my first time facing hurdles. Yes I'm on my surviving mode, but that's ok. Let's survive until I could live my fully again. Bismillah. My dear friends, wish me luck. This success isn't only for me, but for each of us who strives our utmost to never giving up and let Allah ...

6 weeks buckling myself to my neverending workload, bigger responsibility, new challenges and opportunities, some days of juggling to other sensory classes, my Montessori final exam on next Tuesday, new confidence, and many more. Life is a blessing indeed. Tonight I'm able to cuddle with my bed. Those restless nights paid off insya Allah. Tonight lemme rest tranquilly., amiin

I feel bad about teachers required to wear their clothes with modest style, being repressed to express who they really are through fashion, and being excluded from the options to choose what to wear in their working area especially when they need to interact with parents. Is it because as Indonesians, teachers need to dress up only to cover their body? Let's reflect on why does everyone need to put on their clothes. Yes they put it on to support them from extreme weather and temperature, to show their power in society, to tell that they belong to certain tribe and culture, to boost their confidence when they need to perform, to appreciate themselves and people they love, etc. Lately I was observing how people would react when I wear certain clothes, namely the sleeveless dresses in particular. Personally, I am kinda way impulsive in doing shopping clothes. I sometimes would consider their function or just to purchase one since it looks gorgeous, manufactured with good fabrics, and ...

This is Sunday but it doesn't feel like Sunday. People said it's sunny day but for me it's gloomy. People were keen to gather with their loved ones, I'd love to, but I'm still digesting the emotions I welcomed today. What made being angry right now was different was that when I was furious, I resumed to be aware of the resource of the anger, was it from disappointment, rejection, abandonment, neglection, a cry for help, or myriad of other possibilities. I also found it hard synchronize the voice in my mind to what I witnessed that somehow people weren't capable to appreciate me. I thought, this anger was also triggered by my expectation that when I listened to people, they would listen to me in return. At this point, I forgot to set boundaries, to safe myself first, to comprehend that people are beyond my control, that it was necessary to regulate my expectation and reaction. The only headline that popped in my head was that I require to exclude myself, lock mys...

If there's something burdens me, I'll write it down and leave it on my notebook so I don't bother to carry it over and over. The issue I'm facing right now is health maintenance. I easily got exhausted by the physical activities that required my 100% presence. Being a teacher is a calling. Some other times, the honor I keep in my soul made me take the rest for granted. My body needs not only an 8 solid hours of sleep, but also a bunch of vitamins, organic jamu, gym that builds my fitness, and many more. Health doesn't come for free. When I wanted to rest, I would normally cut people off, and I would respond to few messages only.  I need to learn to rest. In professional environment,I know I did my best. And I will pray so that Allah will always grant me health as He's the one who will listen and conspire to do the rest.  Ya Allah, there were times the fatigue hugs me that tight till I have shortness of breath. And you're the only one who will always heal and...

Tell me about one thing that could become a new hope and motivation in 2025, a simple sentence I told myself today. Not many words I could tell unless intentionate and mindful. These are two words that hopefully will unwrap the miracle this year. Amen On the last week of January, we celebrate Isra' Miraj and also CNY. It's just a great moment to celebrate two big days in one week. And before that celebrations, my baby K and I had a triple date with my friends. We went to a restaurant and ate good food. But my friends had to leave earlier for dessert hunting nearby and we promised to catch up. When we were about to go, I grabbed my bag and dropped my phone at the same time. I tried to make a phone call and locate where my friends were. Unfortunately the phone failed to be on. I was panicking a bit but K tried to check and charge it in the hope it would be ok.  He took me to a phone service center. We went there by foot, lol. It was fun. We'd never been there before. Since he...

It was pouring. I went home and was starving at the same time. I had no clue what to eat. I planned to buy food around my place but I recalled that I could not control what ingredients I would have in that food and how it would affect my body. So I decided to cook fried rice. So simple, all I needed was rice, salted butter, VCO, garlic, red pepper, shallot, spring onion, celery, salted soy sauce, a bit sugar, salt, and mushroom bouillon. I prepare two sunny side-up eggs too with no oil nor salt. Just the plain ones. I added two fresh tomatoes to improve the texture of crunchiness since I would not eat any chips. Voilà, yummy nasi goreng. Maybe this year's gonna be y last year as an unmarried woman lol. So next year, I'm not gonna enjoy it all by myself. Happiness and contentment could be shared when we're ready to share with commitment and mindfulness. Amen 😉

Silence is powerful, the fuel that keeps us to never stop observing things around us. Silence is powerful to keep peace in our soul in case one day we might forget about it. In silence, we will not bargain the sanity with anything that doubted our worth. Silence is powerful to set us free. We're free to choose the solitude that could never bother us even when we're alone. Silence is powerful to bring us consciousness over what we could control meanwhile out there, there are millions cases are beyond our control.  Silence is powerful so it reveals the road to acknowledge our deepest emotion. 

It was horrible watching the videos of fires in LA and NY these few days. It was devastating. The skies reflected the color of the fire, it's red, burning, and hopeless, unless for one thing, humanity.  It was so sick to read how people in the comments section compared this event to what is happening in Palestine. The Palestinians are suffering for not being treated as human, no independence, they barely know whether they are going to live and see the sun and their family in the next one hour. They seemed to get used to say goodbye in silent with improper funeral.  We can remember their passion without eliminating the humanity no matter how much we accused other powerful nations for not speaking up and standing strong to humanity. People said that what the Palestinians experience now is related to the Holocaust. But in the name of humanity, we simply cannot let one nation hurts and does genocide too as if revenging is the only way to cancel their nightmares long time ago....

I was watching the first episode of House, M.D.. It was showing a kindergarten teacher battled her disease that could kill her in weeks. There were five doctors, expertises, who attempted their utmost not only to give her the best treatment, but to cure her. They diagnosed her for a brain tumor, but it was false. They tried to find the other possible symptoms that could lead all the five doctors to draw a conclusion and decided to give her steroids with the highest level. She was getting better but in minutes, her condition was getting worse. Later they found out that she was keen to eat ham or pork but she didn't cook it properly that made the larvae of tapeworm stays in her body for years until it became a wake-up call for her system immune to overreact to the tapeworm in her brain.  This first episode displays the fact that we should take care of ourselves in detail, make sure of what we eat are healthy and good for our health, mental, and emotional sustainably. Cooking food pro...

It was a question I read on X, did love transform a person? Me saying yes, a hundred percent yes. Genuine love transforms me. Tonight was the first time to be an outdoorsy with a tube top. Genuine love makes me trust myself again, transforming this anxious girl into a confident girl.  I don't have a perfect body. My lower body is bulkier than my upper body. So I worked harder to train my shoulders, chest, back, and tricep each time I went to the gym. It's not yet awesome, but genuine love transforms me already to embrace my flaws. I want to be confident not for others, but for myself as a commitment to take care of myself for a better version of myself. Confidence has become a highlight this one year. Confidence is freeing. I don't care about people who talked shit behind my back, it's not my business. I will not let them occupy my mind, my heart, my sanity, my everything. My body is my authority and Allah grant me privilege to take care of it pretty well and I'm pr...

It wasn't our first moment when we both wore black and white outfit. It just matched our energy. I could say white and black are our official outfit colors. The simplicity represented honesty, modesty, yet clean at the same time. Even if that moment I frowned and it didn't sit well with you, deep down in my heart I was thrilled. When we were out for a date, once you asked why women love to bring a pouch or a handbag. Mi amor K, ladies kept what they needed there: tissue, lipstick, perfume, phone, charger, wallet, umbrella, sunglasses, hand sanitizer, and school certificate (lol I'm not serious). Surely we won't complicate our partner but ourselves. But overall, I respect your choice not to look at other gurls when we spent time together outdoor. Mi amor K, this romantic relationship won't go this far with only love, but also respect and trust. I will let you work even harder to keep the sparks alive. Much appreciated 🤍