Home Lies Within My Heart

This is Sunday but it doesn't feel like Sunday. People said it's sunny day but for me it's gloomy. People were keen to gather with their loved ones, I'd love to, but I'm still digesting the emotions I welcomed today. What made being angry right now was different was that when I was furious, I resumed to be aware of the resource of the anger, was it from disappointment, rejection, abandonment, neglection, a cry for help, or myriad of other possibilities. I also found it hard synchronize the voice in my mind to what I witnessed that somehow people weren't capable to appreciate me. I thought, this anger was also triggered by my expectation that when I listened to people, they would listen to me in return. At this point, I forgot to set boundaries, to safe myself first, to comprehend that people are beyond my control, that it was necessary to regulate my expectation and reaction. The only headline that popped in my head was that I require to exclude myself, lock myself and leave the world outside, get lost, never come back, and never been found. I feel disconnect with everything. 

I wept several times today until I suddenly was hungry, I decided to cook vegetarian spicy gulai with no coconut milk. I checked what I had in my fridge, I chose to use pumpkin, tempeh, Indonesia spices for gulai, red chili, spring onion, and basil. I was about to weep again while cooking, but it didn't happen when I tasted the food and it was amazing. Oh my Lord, I told myself "Which of the favors of my Lord would I deny?" If experiencing disconnection with people we loved trigger the emotional fatigue, then I could choose to stay content and being content is eventually a character. 

No matter how intense the wind breeze, how strong the storms roar, how hard life is, I still opt to validate that life is so damn hard, adulting is complicated, being human and build relationship with others could feel like a tangled yarn. Even if I could decide to cut people off, I will always choose to be kind to myself, to respect myself, to live my life fully, and be content with the journey instead. 

Any way, I'm trying to read a book by Marshall B Rosenberg about Nonviolent Communication. I still wonder how it will enrich and nourish myself. Let's hope for the best. Myself is the home I need to take care of. I shall add too that Rumi once said that, "What you seek is seeking you." And maybe that's how Universe always conspire to guide me, you, and everyone. I also need to finish marinating myself in another book I resumed to read. 600 pages but I can tell Tribe of Mentors written by Timothy Ferriss is resourceful.