Insecurity

Some might value insecurity was unkind to them, some might value insecurity was a blessing. I can't tell you which part of group I'm in. For me it is a double-sided coin. It feels unkind when I was unsure about my own self-worth. I attempted to figure out my own quality in lieu of the confidence crisis. I overanalyzed things that is actually good for my own progress. I somehow was afraid of facing the rapid changes, the inflexibility, being controlled, being rejected, being misunderstood, and many more. That's how I love working all alone rather than as a team, it's draining. 

It wasn't on a sunny day, in the weekend, nor in peace when I found out the feeling of being uncertain could lead me to a person with a mental victim who couldn't get up and do her best for her very own life. This is a process of living I should say, when one is observing her journey, analyzing her milestone, doubting her believe, thinking and reflecting about the purpose of each scenario. One was born for a greater thing. One should comprehend the strive of achieving greatness. One challenge demands me to test my own limit, it's scary, but to never try is scarier. To try is to manifest doing the best. 

In this happy day, I had my students in my sensory class. They explored and absorbed things happily. In the afternoon, I ate yummy sambal ikan cakalang with nyemek noodles, I went home and decided to treat myself a princess for a full body massage, facial treatment, sauna, doing creambath and dying my hair, meni pedi, talking to my Daddy K who'll celebrate the happiest birthday tomorrow. I also went for shopping and grabbed books and clothes that please me visually. I also plan to join a singing group. If it's not now, then I'll miss it forever. Not because I have an ambition of being a singer, but I love singing and meeting new people and that encourages me a lot to share things by singing. I want to and need to stay connected with my hobby. 

I know I'm still struggling with the guilt of treating myself well since I feel I'm not doing good enough. But through all of the defects, I resumed to make small steps to be kind to myself, to respect myself, to take care of myself well, and therefore I am. I thank you, life.