Choices

There will always be the first time for everyone. The first time to hear, the first time to feel, the first time to move, the first time to breathe and cry, the first time to drink, the first time to eat, the first time to respond, the first time to play, the first time to play together and solve the very own problem, the first time to enter school, the first time to teach, the first time to talk and engage with numerous audience, the first to be and do anything. . .till it becomes one day. . .the thing that was hard and challenging, could become a piece of cake. It takes courage, it takes sweat and tears, it takes sleepless nights, it takes restless days, it takes commitment, it takes everything. Maybe it takes your happiness away either. It may seem scary and it may seem crazy. It requires self and stress management. I always have choices amongst these options. I commence to reflect. Back then, I love to  compare people, wether it would be worth it or not at all. I compare A to B, to C, to D, or maybe to Z. I compare for a reason, because I value what I needed to spend e.g., money, time, mind, presence, and many more. The level to understand what I have on my plate happens when I experience the role by myself. 

To choose will never be simple. To choose to experience the first moment, made me burn the midnight oil. To choose, I need to sacrifice other thing that is actually more valuable in moneywise. Indonesia would say more cuan, lol. But why do I wanna do this? That's because this is not my comfort zone. I want to move my ass sincerely from my comfy - warm - and secure space, to an extreme bumpy - hot - and cold spot. 

Some of my friends told me, I left the gym this one month, but the membership fee keep running. I deeply appreciate them to come and remind me. When I look at the mirror, I talk to myself, is this what I have been searching for. Is this what I have been dreaming of. I am not as ambitious as my fiance. Battle field could never be so tempting. But for him, he will war for a reason, he doesn't want to stay at the same level for a long period of time. And this also becomes his reason why he continues his studies and leaving all the comfort behind. But he gently reminds me, this is only temporary. Since we die once, just live everyday even if we have to survive first to gain life. 

I will patiently wait the aha moment, enjoy what I'm doing while doing other things that keeps me juggling, till I requestion what else I could do to progress? What mistakes I need to create to help me growing? Should I be hard to myself and let me sail in the ocean or just settle on the land. Both are compromising. Maybe I should try to sit and do nothing, breathe and watch the world moving slow? Maybe one day, not today. Wink

Anyway, I don't stay hopeful in this monstrous moments, I don't have to. I just do what I need to do that makes the sense of humanity.