The Complexity

Last two days wasn't simple. I entered my bedroom and started to complain, "Why there's no one seemed to understand and listen to me? All of us has two ears but one mouth seemed louder and enough to create deafening sound that forced everything to lend their ears with no willingness." 

I slammed the door. I threw my bag to the floor. I punched the wall that if they could talk, they would shout at me to stop. I kept punching the wall several times to mute the fire of the anger that burned my heart and head. The way I punched the wall was enough to break the bones of my hands into pieces. I might not show people that I was furious. I would just hide it till I found my safest place, I would resume to lose my sanity. 

My chest was aching. My hand was numb. I found out that being destructive, would create a bigger pain than the anger did. That's when I gained the logical thinking back, I commenced holding the horse. 

I moved backwards. I landed my feet on the bed and leaned my back against the other side of the wall. I inhaled and exhaled gently. I counted one two three till twenty, that's how I refill my sanity. I was exhausted.

I closed my eyes, and the tears streamed. I didn't plan to weep. I noticed the pain started to melt and turn into softness. The very first thing that popped in my mind was reciting dzikir. 

I left the bed as my energy replenished. I took off my clothes and left them on the floor. I went to bathroom. I let the warm water kissed my skin and hugged me tight. I questioned why I let myself be consumed by anger. Bathing was the moment for me to reflect. 

I knew that my anger was valid. I didn't need to seek the validation from the world. Eerily, this meditative moment guided me to realize that people were also triggered by several things I never knew. They showed certain actions to me both intentionally and with no purpose. Their actions prolly were the complexity of life and the unfinished business they tried to abandon. Everything was accumulated in one pot that waited for a small fire to boil it. 

The best thing I could do was to regulate my expectations. It was a reminder to myself that millions things happened beyond control. So, each time I saw my friends, colleagues, parents, siblings, and my man, I didn't see the beauty only, but also the complexity of anger in their past, the presence and gift of today, and the worrisome of their future.

I will let go my furiousness. I let Allah bless me with abundance and take care of them with affection.