Dum Medium Silentium

My fiance, Dadda K, if people could ask what keeps our relationship still going on (till now and still counting numerous years together), is resilience. Hard times coming like people who loved to come and go. Resilience means to reconcile and to reflect about one thing, do we still choosing each other to be together.  I just told him tonight, before moving to West Jakarta, Dadda K stayed in the apartment where I stayed back when I was a university student. It was 9 years ago. The first time he was here was 7 years ago before his departure to UK. If I met him earlier, I wonder what would it be? Were we falling for each other?  I also met him 3 years ago when we trained boxing. His outfit was either navy and black or white and black, the same outfit I would wear when I went to gym. Oh we two are also impulsive, it's not what we're proud of because we ended up questioning where the money gone. But this one year, I learned to manage things especially our expenses and how allocate ...

Hi Daddy K, I really wanted to tell you a story of a couple who were arguing about things. They were close but they scolded each other. Logically, when we're close physically, it's unnecessary to yell a deafening scream. Words hurt a lot. Anger fastens the pain and triggered two hearts growing apart.  What about when we fell in love? Miles away didn't matter since the hearts were dancing very close. They did tango. They balanced each other's steps. Peaks and valleys had a great difference, but growing together put their hearts united.  Anger held a significant role in relationship. I was firm. And somehow could show anger. My words were somehow hurtful but Daddy K never raised his voice to scold or even got angry. He has a soft heart. I actually regretted the hurtful words coming out of my mouth. I somehow failed showing empathy. Dear Daddy K, if only you're here, I'm sure no words can describe the feelings I have now. I hope a warm hug could soothe you and us. ...

To my fiancé, thank you for being a strong man even when hard times still hit that hard. Your 'cegil' is so proud of you. Dear Dadda K, to be with you has taken me to love myself more. Thank you for being gentle and listening to me and us. I have never felt less as a woman because I finally found my real power. Through the peaks and valleys, through the lengthy journey, I do believe the right train will never pass us by. In this horse year, let's be more kind to each other. Let kindness be the beginning of our story. Dear Daddy K, there were moments I might be afraid of losing us. The worries somehow spiraling. At the end I have to decide and take an action of not letting the hassle consuming me more. The peace, positivity, and tenderness are greater. This morning I looked at myself through the mirror. I asked, "who is this girl I see?" It instantly brought me back to you. I am loved, and your actions are the living proof. It's not only a love letter. I wrote ...

Yes it's true, it's still a house not yet a home. Even if it's still a house, moving from 1 house to another house is somehow challenging. I'm so proud of myself to be able to handle it even if I need to taste the stress a bit. Thank you Svarna Sutera, you've been so kind to us these 2 years. From a peaceful place to a bit crowded one, and that's ok. We created tons of memorable memories, now let's create more Dadda K. I should tell us this because I know we have the capability to create millions. Dadda K, I can see the smile in your eyes today, and that's because my uncle also helped us to uninstall and reinstall. Dear Dadda K, the more we move forward the more I want to be closer. Yes this is an attachment. But I hope, it's a positive one. Amiin. When we grow grey, I wonder what our conversation will be, will it be supporting, will it be encouraging? You know Dadda K, one thing for sure. I'm gonna be a talkative life partner. Why? Because I car...

I miss my longer hair. It was my third time's of having a longer hair. But the hair fall is unmanageable so I had to decide to have it trimmed. That's because I was handling lots of stress too and that's ok. It was approved by Dadda K. He said do what makes me happy. Lol, actually I know why he said that. Thats because he barely know how to respond about choosing the longer one or shorter one. And by the way, he loved it too. I want to start to have my hair dyed. I want it dark blue. Let's see am I able to make it come true since I spend the whole day with kids. Maybe the institution in where I work will allow me to dye my hair dark blue. If not, that's also ok, not a big deal tho. I want to be gentle to myself, I want to have less heartburn. I want to have less stress and worry. I want to surrender, ask for His guidance after doing my best, insya Allah.

I don't intend nor want to be rude with people. But if you insisted to show me what you got was better than mine, I deeply am sorry. You're wrong. I tried to keep myself humble and stayed away from conflict and chaos. This is a gentle reminder that to feel we're superior than others won't give us any good. It takes away our wisdom, peace, and integrity. Maybe life needs to humble you first before you talk big. The best validation comes from within. Positive self-worth is precious. That's all from me. 

Most of the times I was afraid of being misunderstood and it made me please people. Many times I doubt my self-worth and focus more on how people will judge me. That was the biggest mistakes I made. This body supposed to be the first one I should treat well with love, care, and respect. Sometimes I gave privilege to people to destroy my inner peace and it made me question my own femininity. To reset, it requires courage and honesty. It's ok to let people go in order to find myself again. I am happy and proud to choose myself amongst the insanity around me. I choose myself to heal. I choose myself to sip the sweetness of being grateful to have a great, resilient, and courage mind, body, and spirit. I will not keep rats and snakes close and it requires commitment to set boundaries. I forgive not to reconcile, but to keep my inner sanity and peace altogether. 

It's an achievement when I'm being able to keep myself sane when the workload is unceasing. It's just a simple wish in this year, that I make an improvement in my gym session. Lunges is one of most challenging thing to do, but it was accepted. I planned to do more but let the commitment answers it. This is going to be Ramadhan soon and I hope I will cope with it well. I comprehend it's gonna be draining, a bit. I'm doing my best too to eat fruits even when I barely enjoy the texture. Let's be sane and burn more. Bismillah 

I found peace when I hit the hay with Bali herbal oil, Kutus-kutus, that could treat aches, fatigue, stiffness, cold, and many more. It scented like Grandma, and it made me reminiscing beautiful moments I had with her.  I found peace when I drank Wedang Jahe. It had to be sipped lukewarm. I would sip it little by little to enjoy the spices that kept my body relaxed. I would normally prepare 2L of wedang jahe and let my friends drank one as well.  I found peace when I traveled or became an outdoorsy by putting on my Sketchers. It has obsolete design but fluffy insoles. Some would say it's outdated and would be challenging to be mixed and matched with our daily outfit. But who cares? Even the doctors strongly recommended these shoes to everyone.  Last one, I found peace when I was able to substitute sambal (chili paste) to wasabi. It had a unique taste and sensation once I ate it. Now I'm able to answer this question. "Am I gonna survive this year without sambal?" Then,...

My fiancé, one and only, he speaks with gentle voice. Only twice when he toned up his voice. First to remind me not to cry when I panicked. Second, when we argued about how much we supposed to give the tip to the taxi driver who drove us home. Tbh the driver wasn't that friendly to us. But I tried to appreciate him for driving carefully. My fiancé insisted to just give him 10K while I wanted to give more lol. But thats ok.  He talked and listened to me. It would be a different story when he discussed with his friends. He sounded like to release fire to them lol. I am really grateful for it. But you know, man is always a man. He prefer saying sorry than consulting. He added, it's a shortcut. To wait for my approval, it took forever.  Why?????????????? Why oh why?

It's been 10 years after my hardest fall. Life was messy before 2016, but it even was messier since 2016. I had anxiety. It led me to GERD and mild depression. I wept alone in almost every single night. People said time would heal. Instead, it was a ticking bomb. I didn't have a really good history speaking about relationship. I tend to freeze and avoid conflicts. I learned that conflicts were traumatizing. I would not hesitate to avoid conflicts by pleasing people, repressing my emotion, putting aside my feelings, and keeping quiet when things didn't go right. Back in 2023, it was indeed a rollercoaster year as well. That year made me realize of what I need was to relearn, to label what had happened in my journey. It wasn't easy. It was messy. My health was getting worse. It was the year of lessons. The year when I decided to heal and comprehend that conflicts came not to scare, but to resolve. Conflicts shouldn't make people argue, but reconcile, conflicts shouldn...

Thank you 2025, the year of gedebag-gedebug, of no-time to rest, of keep-manifesting, never-ending creating. It was the best year so far. The year to feel, to worry, to doubt, to be anxious, to weep, to giggle, to move, to dance, to cook, to write, to sleep and to wake up late, and so on. Hustle, hustle, hustle.  I'm proudly announcing that I officially launch my read aloud account. The love of books for kids finds it's way finally. With a pinch of courage, I posted 4 read-alouds already. It was in English and in Bahasa. Soon, it will be in French too.  My obsession of learning languages doesn't cease either. Back when I was a student both in high school and in university, I buckled myself into Japanese, German, Spanish, and Italian. Hence, I hope read aloud will open the door to relearn the foreign language. No to master, but at least to experience the book and enjoyment.  I lately read more than usual. This is how I take care of myself, not only by doing exercise, apply...